Fear and Risk

I’m all over the place mentally today. Yesterday was a really rough day with my kids, and I feel like even though some days are like that, it makes it hard for me to push through the same issues the following day. Plus, my mom had to have a risky procedure yesterday, so it might not have been entirely my kids’ fault that we were having a rough day. Whenever she is having any kind of medical procedure, my emotional sensors are heightened and I become very much like the scared 9 year old girl I was the first time she had to spend time in the hospital. Thankfully, it went okay yesterday, and she’s resting at home.

Luckily for me, today has provided a few issues of its own! I won’t go into major details, but there is something I’ve always wanted to do, and the possibility of getting a chance to do it came up this morning. This particular thing is scary, yet exciting, and I’m praying about whether it’s God’s desire for me to do it or not. Of course, I’ll probably know the answer shortly, no matter what happens.

The second thing is an article I wrote that I’m not sure about. I think that’s one thing about taking the risk of writing, because people may think your words are right, or they may think you’re an idiot who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Or really, both. Either way, I’m in this constant state of “will they like me?” right now. I generally don’t care much what people think of me, but when I write something, I do want it to be noticed, and not negatively (or at least, not destructively negatively.). Like this. Am I rambling or making sense? I never quite know, honestly.

I’m a recovering perfectionist. I won’t compare it to the extremes of recovering from addiction, but perfectionism can be paralyzing. It’s why I spent years writing a blog instead of following my heart’s desire to write books. Blogging is easy. Everyone can blog, and often, you don’t get many followers, so you don’t have to take a lot of risks just writing your thoughts on the web. But writing a book? That’s something that people can critique. (Yeah, people can critique a blog, too, but why?) What if it has typos? What if my arguments are rubbish (as I slip into British English)? What if… Yeah, the list goes on.

I always thought of myself as a risk-taker. But that’s not as true as I thought, and I want to make that happen more, which is why I’m trying things that I may not be an expert at, but I can at least make an attempt. Failure, success, it’s not as important right now in my “recovery” process as just taking the risk and trying something new.

Frankly, my moods have swung today between total confidence and sheer terror. The truth is, even if I look or sound confident about something, I’m probably shaking inside. Will that ever go away? I really hope so, at least, I hope it will diminish eventually. I share these things because I want you to know that you are not alone in your fears. I trust that God knows exactly what is best for me, and even if I can’t see two feet ahead, he’s going to lead me down the best path, whatever that may be.

Don’t be afraid to step out on the water, to take the big risk. It may not be the right thing, but if you feel so compelled, isn’t it better to take a risk on faith than to shrink back in fear and never accomplish anything? (I’m saying this to myself as well as to you, whoever you are.)

In Dreams

I’ve always had a fairly vivid dream life. In fact, I can still remember some of the dreams I had as a child and a teen because they were so vivid and real that I can remember even some of the details as if they were actual events. It’s also interesting to note that many of my memories of childhood are so enmeshed with my active dream life that I don’t always know if something I remember happened in reality or dreams.

I’m not sure if I’m unique or normal in this, because it’s not something people often talk about, their dreams. It seems that dreams can be a very private and personal thing, and yet, there are entire volumes on interpreting dreams. I don’t put a lot of stock in the meaning of my dreams unless there is a common thread between several dreams or the dream stands out in an unusual way. I’ve had recurring dreams about being late, because I used to (okay, still do a bit) obsess about showing up late to things and being embarrassed.

But sometimes my dreams are so unrelated to anything in my real life that I find myself dwelling on them, wondering what to make of my own unconscious imagination.

I have had two dreams recently that I couldn’t ignore. Elements of the dreams involved people I knew, or situations I am familiar with, but the “plot” of the dream was completely out of the norm for me. A few months ago, I dreamt an entire murder mystery, including discovering the murderer, and just the other night, I dreamt a story that took hold of me so fully that I’ve already written down a larger plot and written several chapters of the story.

I’ve heard more than once in the past few days “that’s how Twilight started” and I think some people mean it as a warning, but that doesn’t scare me. C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce stemmed from a dream that he had, and that book impacted me deeply. I’m not saying my dreams are necessarily of that caliber or worth millions in publishing dollars, but I think that any good writer can take a dream with a plot and weave it into an interesting story for readers to enjoy.

I haven’t abandoned my first story, but it’s been getting on my nerves lately, and I’m going to let it take a backseat until my brain can work out a few of the difficulties. In the meantime, I have a story that is working, so I’m going to focus the majority of my creative energy on this one.

A scene

I wrote this scene as a flashback to my main character’s college days. I don’t know where, or if, I intend to use it in the overall story, but it contains a little background information about her life that (I think) is important to the overall story.

I would love feedback (constructive). But I feel I need to point something out. My book, as I mentioned before, is written from a Christian perspective, and the characters are themselves Christians. This scene is a bit heavy on that, but not, hopefully, preachy. If you came here thinking I was going to share something with zombies or murder (or both?), that’s not what you’re going to find.

So here goes. If I were giving this clip a title, it would be “1989″ because I’m not that clever with titles.

 Andrea’s parents had always taken her to church. They showed up week after week, forcing their three children to attend Sunday school and the hour-long worship service. But it wasn’t until Andrea came home from college with a big announcement that it really meant anything to them.

She’d been at college for two months, and she was returning home for Thanksgiving break. There were two flights, a shuttle from Charlottesville to Dulles, then on to Boston. Andrea had flown a thousand times, at least. At 18, she was an expert at flying, no matter how busy or quiet the airports. Her nerves on this trip had nothing to do with flying.

She thought about how much she’d resented her parents forcing her to go to church all those years, and how little it seemed to really matter when it came to the way they lived. She wondered how they would react to her news. Her brother would probably be angry, but she hoped her parents wouldn’t be upset. She prayed that she wouldn’t say something stupid when she told them.

Her parents greeted her at the gate in Boston, her dad reached for her bag and gave her a hug. Andrea returned it stiffly.

“What’s up, chickadee?” He asked.

“Oh, nothing. Just have some things on my mind.”

“Okay, well, I hope it’s nothing serious!” Her dad always joked when he was nervous.

Andrea wasn’t sure how serious her thoughts were. She’d only been on one date with Nabil, but it had been a wonderful night.

When they got home, Andrea rushed to her bedroom, ignoring the continuing questions from both of her parents. Her room was almost exactly as she’d left it, down to the unusual lack of dust. Marta had cleaned it this morning, most likely. This brought a pang of guilt. She hadn’t told Nabil yet. She wanted to wait until their relationship was really going somewhere before she told him what she was. Her parents had their opinion, and they disagreed with her sharply. She knew that it would come up again at dinner, and braced herself as she got ready to go down to eat.

At dinner, she found that she had little appetite. Her nerves were all on alert, and she only pushed her food around her plate.

“Are you going to tell us what school’s like, sweetie?” Her dad asked gently.

“School’s great. It’s going well.”

“Making friends? I heard that the Thomas boy is a junior there, have you seen him at all?”

“Not really. He’s in a frat. Not interested.” She said it flatly. Here it comes, she thought.

“I still think you should have tried to join a sorority. Your sister loves hers.”

“If I joined a sorority, I’d have to tell everyone I’m, you know, rich.”

“And we’re on that again.” Her mother’s disgust was evident.

“No, I don’t want to talk about it. Sorry.”

“Inheriting wealth is not a crime, Andrea Louise.”

“No, it isn’t. I’m sorry if I implied that.”

“What else is going on in your life, An?” Her dad. Masterful at redirection.

“I met someone.” She made it sound as casual as possible. It was the furthest thing from casual.

“Oh? What’s his name?”

“Nabil Ibrahim.” She pronounced it slowly to give them the full effect.

“Is that an Arab name?”

“He’s Jordanian. And he’s a Christian.”

Geneva, Andrea’s mother, let out a sigh.

“Well, so are we, dear.”

“Not like him. He’s all-out-on-fire-for-Jesus.”

Silence.

Andrea continued. “My roommate invited me to Campus Crusade, and I met him there.”

“That’s wonderful, dear.” Was it restraint Andrea heard? Or fear?

“Mom. He led me to Christ.”

Another silence.

“I got baptized last month, and last week, he asked me on a date.”

“Sweetie, we baptized you when you were a baby, and you’ve been going to church your whole life!”

“Yes, but I didn’t make those decisions! You made them. This is the first time I’ve ever wanted to follow Jesus, and I wanted to do it right.”

“Okay, okay.” Dad, the peacekeeper. “Andrea, we’re all just a little surprised. I mean, this is a good thing, right? We’re just not sure what to make of it.”

“Why?”

“You’ve been gone for two months, we’ve hardly heard anything from you! If this was so important, you could’ve told us on the phone or in a letter?”

“It is important, and I thought it was worth waiting until I got home to share with you. Besides, I think I took on too many classes this semester. I’m going to do less next semester, and I’ll try to write and call more.”

“Okay. But if you have enough time to attend meetings and go on dates, you can certainly call your parents once a week.”

“Yes, dad. I’m sorry.”

Andrea’s mother didn’t say anything else. Andrea finished her food quickly now that her news was in the open, and she rushed back to her bedroom to dig Nabil’s phone number out of her suitcase and call him. No one knew it yet except her, but she planned on marrying Nabil Ibrahim.

There you have it. Please share your thoughts. Is it interesting? Does it make you want to find out more? What could I do to make it more interesting? Thanks for reading!

Finding my theme

I’ve been working hard on my novel this week and I’m finding that while in some ways I’ve made a complicated mess out of it, in other ways, the things I’m changing now are making the story make a little more sense. My greatest struggle at the moment is that I’m not quite sure what the theme is. I know there’s one in there, because the story does go somewhere, and the ending is plausible, not tacked on. It was my intention from the beginning to end the story the way I did.

As I’ve never published anything, and this is the first serious attempt I’ve made at finishing a novel, I feel that I’ve had a lot of starts and stops and reboots. There are elements I want to put in, but I’m not sure where they fit, and it’s sometimes like dumping out five or six jigsaw puzzles and trying to figure out which pieces belong to my story, and which ones don’t.

I think the hardest part of writing this story is that it’s a pretty typical “romance” but I’m writing it from a Christian perspective, and the characters are also Christians. I want my own faith to show in the story, but I also don’t want to cram it down people’s throats. In other words, I want it to be real. I want the pain and the happiness of the characters to come out clearly, and I want them to deal with their emotions like Christian people usually do. Which means that they often deal with things in the same way anyone else does. Either they do it well, or they crash and burn.

One theme that does come out strongly is God’s grace in our trials. I’ve seen the main tragedy of my main character’s life played out not once but twice with people I love dearly since I started writing my story. In one situation in particular, I’ve seen how God can carry us through even the darkest moments. I don’t know what the future holds in that situation, but my goal in writing this story is to provide hope. Not just hope in specific situations, but hope in general.

A love story that includes Christian elements is always a love triangle,  but not in the typical sense. And I think that’s what makes it so hard to write it well, because there are things that you want to put in the story, but you ask yourself, “does this sound cheesy? Will this work? Am I including God enough in this story, or too much?” It’s hard to know. To be honest, it would be a lot easier to just not put God in the story. Plenty of Christian writers have done so. But the story I’m telling, at least this time, would make even less sense if I didn’t show how God is working within the lives of the characters.

The Hunger Games review

An Analysis and Review of The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins

A warning: This review will contain spoilers. I can’t help it. If you don’t want to be spoiled, then don’t read this.

I must admit, I was hesitant at first to read this trilogy, but then I heard actual published authors talking it up without reservation, so I thought I’d give it a chance. I also had some birthday money, so that helped me make the decision, since I wasn’t likely to be able to purchase it or find it available at the library anytime soon, with the movie coming out. Instead, I braved the Amazon Kindle store to find it (not really, as it’s right there on the front page, enticing buyers.) I read the entire series in less than 48 hours.

Book 1. Hunger Games. Starts out a little slow, but by the time Katniss Everdeen is in the arena, it’s hard to stop reading. In fact, I had to make a choice on Saturday night, keep reading until 4 in the morning, or finish it tomorrow, knowing I’ll have dreams about the events that are, for now, burned in my mind? I stopped reading to get some rest, and I’m glad I did, because the second half was more mesmerizing than the first, and I wouldn’t have stopped reading it if I’d gotten any further.

The events of the three books are a jumble in my mind right now, so I’ll talk about the whole story in a moment. But I have to say that I found the first book to be one of the most solidly written stories I’ve read. The author has created a country that is complex, yet simple, technologically advanced, yet socially backward, but the pieces all fit together in the first book quite seamlessly. I find that any plot holes are less the result of poor planning, more the result of the characters behaving as we humans do. She certainly cannot account for everyone’s decisions, because the story is written from Katniss’s perspective, and she can’t read the minds of other people, but she does suspect certain people’s motives. A lot. As any teenage girl who’s been forced to fight to her death might do.

I think I read this book in about 6 and a half hours. It ended in such a way that I couldn’t possibly stop reading there, and quickly purchased the second book.

Book 2. Catching Fire. This one jumps right into the action, in a way, because even though it doesn’t have a lot of fighting in the first 2 parts, the tension is a main character. The tension between Katniss and Peeta, Katniss and Gale, and Katniss and Snow, especially. Katniss is changed, as everyone can see, but how deeply, she doesn’t even realize. This, I think, is her true coming-of-age story, when she finally has to deal with where she stands in this mess of a nation. She hasn’t quite come to terms with that, but she will. A lot of this book mirrors the first book, so it’s hard to say much more about it than this.

Book 3. Mockingjay. This book is completely different from the other two in many ways. I honestly didn’t enjoy it as much, and I did think there were parts that weren’t as clearly written or plotted. Things change quickly for Katniss, who is the poster-child for a revolution, and who has to make some more tough decisions about what side she’s on, if she even wants to be on anyone’s side.

I empathize with Katniss in this one, which is why I did end up liking it, too. Just when you think you can trust the people in charge, they throw you for a loop, and you realize that the people with the power are all the same. If it wasn’t purposeful, then the trilogy itself is to Collins what the Games became to Katniss, an inadvertent political statement. But perhaps Collins is that intelligent, and it was a purposeful statement about governments and power.

Panem is the Latin word for “bread”. This isn’t mentioned until Mockingjay, but one thing becomes clear early on in the story: The names the author chooses are brilliant. The Capitol citizens almost all have Latin names or an anglicized version of one. Latin, it seems, is not dead in Panem. The citizens of the various districts frequently have names that have symbolism in their district. District 12, the coal mining district (there are several mining districts), has unusual names. Some children have floral names, some have very normal names, like Madge, and others have obviously been given names based on their family’s trade (Peeta’s parents are bakers. This one’s not hard to figure out.). The names throughout the stories really had me fixated. Some seemed strangely too benign or even ironic. Others are painfully obvious, once you’ve gotten through the stories, especially. President Coin, it seems, has two faces. Heads I win, tails you lose. President Snow is not pure and clean, but quite the opposite, he is dirty and, in Katniss’s opinion, snakelike.

Any way you look at it, the Hunger Games trilogy is the stuff of nightmares. Katniss makes sure we don’t forget about hers. She’s been handed a tough lot in her life, and I wonder if anyone could handle it any better than she has. Certainly the other winning tributes couldn’t handle their “success” much better than her, but she’s been forced to play in an even bigger game than the Hunger Games, and even though the outcome doesn’t depend on her, everyone’s counting on her support. The people she can trust are few and far between, and in the end, it’s not the people you think it will be. Katniss’s suspicious attitude isn’t just that of a “normal teenager”, her life depends on her distrust of authority figures.

Katniss isn’t a very likable person from the inside, but she does manage to charm some people, if unintentionally. Her insecurities don’t weaken her resolve, but she is a hard person to be friends with, mainly because she won’t give most people the time of day. She’s got many of the qualities of an introvert. Her faithfulness to her family is a major redeeming quality, and her willingness to protect those she loves, whether she realizes her love for them or not, is a powerful driving force in her life.

Even some of the “bad guys” have some redeeming qualities. President Snow is honest with Katniss to a fault, because his honesty makes her distrust him until the crucial moment. He’s always evil, but even the evil have their limits, and he shows her just how far he won’t go to get what he wants. He used children as pawns, but he never intended that his golden children should actually be harmed. This is how he shows Katniss the truth about the rebellion leaders, but it takes her some time to come to terms with that truth, and when she does, she does it definitively and.

When it comes down to it, this story isn’t about reality TV gone awry, not really. It’s about the age-old power struggle, and who wins.

Things I’ve learned about writing in the past 6 months

Just 6 months ago, I began to write a story that has developed into a decent-sized novel, and as I’m currently in the midst of editing it, I’ve been reading a lot on how to improve the story. I’m not a new writer, but I am new at editing for audience and making what I write sellable. I blog mainly to share my thoughts, but a novel is so much more than just sharing thoughts. If I write a blog post that doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t matter, because no one’s paying for my thoughts, and you can just move on. But if I want a book to sell, I have to be several things: clear, cohesive, and interesting.

In order to become better, I not only have to continue writing and editing my own work, I have to look to those who’ve gone before me and find out how they did it.

I’ve been reading one author’s blog and he frequently shares lists on things that will help writers do a better job. I’m going to share a list of things I mostly gleaned from his lists that I think are essential, at least at this stage of my process. (The blog, by the way, is “terribleminds”-it’s in my blogroll-I’ll warn you that the author uses a lot of foul humor to get his point across. It is likely to offend your sensibilities. I like it anyway.)

1. The protagonist in a novel is the most important character. So it’s incredibly important for that person to be interesting, realistic and readable. Not necessarily likable, but tolerable to be around. Not boring or perfect, and not so unpleasant that people want their money back.

2. Make your story your own. Don’t try to emulate another writer; you have your own voice, so use it.

3. Tension is what makes a novel interesting. Without tension, stories are truly boring. If readers don’t care about what’s going to happen next, the story isn’t worth it. Cliffhangers are good.

4. The quality of the story means nothing if the quality of the writing is poor.

4.a. Word choice is important. Use words that make sense to your intended audience, and try not to overuse certain words. “Very” and “really” do not belong in your story unless they are in the dialogue, and even then shouldn’t be used too often.

4.b. The plot can’t be too confusing. Readers should at least *think* they know what’s going on. Even if you blow them away with a surprise twist at the end, ala “Sixth Sense”, they should be able to follow the story all the way through.

4.c. Learn the meaning of these words: Noun, pronoun, verb, adverb, adjective, homonym, synonym, antonym, homophone. (There are probably more, I just can’t think of them right now.)

4.c.1: Homophones: There, Their, They’re. Pair, Pare, Pear. Your, You’re. To, Too, Two. Affect, Effect. Get it? If you think you’re using the wrong word, you probably are. Look it up. I read a book once where the writer used the wrong word several times, and it meant something quite different from what he was trying to say. Don’t make that mistake, and don’t get angry if someone points it out to you. They’re just trying to help.

5. There needs to be a balance of predictable and unpredictable.

6. If a scene doesn’t matter to the plot, it doesn’t matter to the book. Get rid of it. (Ouch. That hurt to type. I think I have several of those.)

7. Editing is a lot of work, but it’s important work.

These are where I believe my biggest flaws to be in my work right now (not the sub point 4.c.1, because I’ll admit I’m obsessed with homophones-probably because I’m teaching a 1st grader). I’ve got a story, but I know it needs work before it is ready for public viewing.

A couple weeks ago, I wanted to quit writing and take up painting. Why? Well, writing has more clear-cut boundaries. You’re writing or you’re editing what you’ve written. Sometimes you do both at the same time, but even then, you have to go back and edit what you’ve rewritten. There is creating and there is destroying.  Painting? You are either painting or painting. Even “editing” a painting is still painting. It’s probably a flawed argument. But I was frustrated, and the point is that a writer can’t *always* be creating. Sometimes you have to uncreate. A painter can always create, and if the painting is terrible, you just paint over it with a big brush filled with primer and start over. See? Still painting.

I really could go on and on about this. But I’ll just say this: I believe in God, a God who created humankind “in his own image”. What that means to me, at least one important aspect, is that God created people who are meant to be creative. As someone with a passion for writing, I want to use that passion to create something God would be pleased by.

If you think you ought to be a writer, do not “aspire” to it. In the words of Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no Try.” The master did not honor the servant who did not invest his talent. Do not waste yours.

Being what I am

The internet is filled with websites run by people whose sole joy in life is making you feel inadequate. Every once in a while, I’ll click on one of these links that makes my blood boil. (Martha Stewart, anyone?) I blame Pinterest.

It used to be that I would start to feel guilty immediately that I’m a) less talented than the creative person who runs that site or b) too disorganized to pull off an immaculate party with hundreds of gorgeous decorations that literally take hours to make. If it takes more time to make the decorations for the party than the food, it’s probably not worth it. I say this as I’m planning my daughter’s 7th birthday party (Peter Pan theme), so I’m not crazy, I promise. I had the plans in mind months ago, and they will take very little extra effort.

But I didn’t come here just to complain about overachieving website owners. No, in fact, I wanted to point out that in spite of the overachievers, real, normal, sane people can live quite happily without trying to emulate Martha Stewart.

A few months ago, I wrote about my personality type and shared some words that describe me. The top word on my DISC profile is Perfectionist. Not only that, but it is the word used to describe my overall personality type on there. Which is probably the main reason I feel ill at ease with the Martha Stewarts of the world. They make me want to be just like them, but I can’t be, because I would probably be found curled up in a corner holding a pair of scalloped-edged scissors and a piece paisley cardstock, mumbling to myself about votive candles. I just can’t do it.

I’ve been working on my perfectionist tendencies. I have good days and bad days. My house is “loved in” (nope, didn’t spell that wrong), and I’m trying to accept that I will never be as perfect a housewife as Caroline Ingalls. That’s really hard, because she is a real role model, but she also lived in homes that were the size of my living room, and before junk mail, so that’s not a good comparison in many ways.

But it’s days like today, when I get angry at Martha Stewart for existing, that I need to remember that while she is good at what she does (what exactly would we call that?), I need to be good at what I do. I’m a writer, a mom, a wife, a Christian, and a teacher. Not necessarily in that order. But I have to be all those things every day, and I don’t have time to be a Martha as well.